Don't know if someone is still reading this but it doesn't matter anyway: then I'm writing it to myself...
I know I was rarely posting any stuff here especially in the last time. There were a few changes in my life like moving to a new place, breaking up my long lasting relationship and the decision to apply for an art university. That's the thing I want to write about here because I'm so fuckin' scared to make a douchebag out of myself.
I know that I become better and better especially in handling with proportions, shading and all that stuff but I'm not exactly sure if that's enough. What happens if I'll notice that the person next to me is so much better in everything? Do I want to draw or write something that is not good enough? Will my portfolio be convincing? What's about all these things anyway? How can I possibly prove that I have talent or a special genius? Could anyone prove this at all?
That's one thing but what's about my art in general: Is anybody really looking at my graphics? What do they say? Do they understand it? Do I understand what I have produced there? Who wants to buy stuff like that? It's so transgressive and strange at the same time. Most people always want to look at nice stuff but the things aren't nice in my head. They're just the way they are and so am I.
These things or visions in my mind are like ghost images: Blurred shapes that nobody can see besides me and they disappear as fast as they come. Impossible combinations, beautiful creations but they're not real enough to turn them into drawings or paintings. Something is blocking me from deep inside. I don't know. The only thing to get rid of these thoughts is to make them real so I need to be tricky. Does this make myself a good artist? To be an illusionist - a deceptive magician?
I often see people who seem to have no problems to draw anything they want to like if they see something in front of them and just copy it. Some of them never had art lessons. Are they gifted? I would kill to do all these things. Unfortunately I have to train and train and train and train and train and train... Can't stand all this! Could somebody please cheer me up? -_-
Anyway, thanks for reading!